Time Capsule | Ft. A silent yearning
Time Capsule | Ft. A silent yearning
Some thoughts around silences, distances in friendships, memories and everything in between
Hi,
On August 30, I celebrated my birthday.
A birthday tradition (which happened by coincidence since the pandemic) is that I write and published something every year.
This time, I made a mini-video essay about silences, friends and a lot of feelings. It’s my first time making a video like this.
If you haven’t yet, definitely give it a watch. Let me know what you thought !
As I grow older into adulthood, I know there are many burdens that we must live with.
They are inevitable.
One of those dreadful burdens for me —is the gap and distance that exists within some of my friendships. I am trying to keep up with these gaps while getting used to the piercing silence around me.
I sit in a quiet tiny room.
To drown out this silence, I play music constantly. I can clearly hear the sounds of my keyboard typing away, the clicks as I save something on my laptop and the noise of the construction worker drilling something into a building.
I don’t hear myself that much. I have fewer conversations. I can’t listen to my own laughter. I am not lost in the stories of my friends.
The silence is haunting.
Even when my friends and I do speak, I feel like I am always playing “catch up” because of the gap.
We exchange our life updates on a call: a new job, some struggles, few complaints about life in general and then we’re done.
Time is up.
We each have our different burdens to bear. So, we go our separate ways and speak again. After weeks. Months. Or even a year. The busyness of life doesn’t take it easy on us.
Next time, we’ll play catch up again. The cycle continues.
I don’t have a problem with this. I actually love getting to know what’s happening in the lives of my friends. I enjoy listening to them.
It’s just that I am greedy. I want more.
I have memories from a different era. In these memories, I am at ease with myself and the people I am around. My friends and I would have effortless conversations. We are sharing the most mundane events from our lives with deep passion. I am listening to them sing. The laughter is infectious. Some great stories are being passed around. I am a silent witness and a participant in this experience.
Now, things are lonely.
There are times when we are not speaking with the same ease.
I am subconsciously prioritizing our conversations. I skip the “irrelevant” bits. I focus on sharing the most “important” notes from my life. Let’s focus on the big picture, forget the minor updates.
This is the present burden I’m wrapping my head around. It is unnerving. One of the unfortunate realities of growing older is that you can’t live and go back to your memories.
Almost everyday, I have a quiet yearning for those distant memories. Where we are unfettered and content with what we have around us. It was not complicated.
This silent space I am in, may be haunting at times. But it’s also the place that has given me abundant joy. I have experienced some wonderful moments here.
I know I can’t go back to those memories, but I am trying to find that warmth again despite all the pain that comes with growing older. I am hopeful that we will build newer memories which might get rid of this yearning that I have.
That was it for this post.
I’m hoping to write more in the coming months.
Stay tuned,
Nirmal Bhansali