On not showing up
Trying to articulate a peculiar problem I have with adulting
Hi,
I had a bunch of thoughts swirling in my head for a while. Decided to put them out there, so there's a place for them. And not overthink by myself.
Every single piece of advice, blogpost, podcast, tip always say: consistency in actions leads to growth.
I acknowledge that.
But, there are a lot of moments where I don't really want to be consistent. I don't wanna show up.
Let me just be.
Give it a watch, and let me know what you think !
There is something I deeply dislike about adulthood.
It is this absolute necessity to show up every single day of your life.
Show up for work. Show up for your friends. Show up for family. Show up for your interests.
Show up for yourself.
You don’t have a choice. (maybe you do, but let’s not go there)
There are waves of expectations that I’m dealing with. Not only of those around me, but also the ones I have of myself. To give it my “best”, everyday.
Some days these waves are crippling.
To paraphrase a quote: I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the different expectations that I can’t meet.
I know.
I know.
I know deep down that the only way to live intentionally, and have a life that is fulfilling: is to be consistent. Showing up is what counts.
But
It is exhausting.
Sometimes, in an attempt at showing up everyday, all I feel like I’m doing is surviving. Getting through each day. To the next. And the one after that. The waves don’t stop.
Once in a while, I’m okay with being marked absent from my own story. It’s alright if there is a proxy instead. I don’t want to take care of anything or anyone, including me.
Sometimes I prefer disappearing. Into a fantastical realm.
Where my dreams aren’t interrupted by my own expectations.
Where there is no universal obligation to be consistent.
I can just be.
These are mere ruminations of course. The fact is: younger me showed up everyday. He didn’t contemplate so much. He just did.
Maybe there’s something in that for the adult in me today.
For now though, I’ll go to sleep.
Wake up tomorrow. Make some chai.
And navigate the next thing I need to show up for.
That was it, thanks for watching !
If you’ve ever felt like this, I’m curious to hear your stories. Do reach out !
Take care,
Nirmal Bhansali