Fleeting Moments
Some thoughts on the empty feeling after a long trip with friends, and a peculiar word from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
Hi,
Since 2020, on August 30th I’ve tried to publish something. It started off with personal essays in the form of podcasts, and for in 2023 and 2024: these are video essays.
These are all Time Capsules. Little gifts I’m leaving myself on each birthday, for the future me to look at. This time is a little special.
It is hard to put in words the feeling I have after spending long periods of time with my friends: whether that's a trip, or just a hangout. It is a mix of so many things. Fulfilment, happiness, melancholy. I also feel the possibility of loss, everytime I hangout. It is a void that is now a default.
The last year, has been chaotic. A lot of disruptions. Shifts in priorities, hard decisions and no stable footing. Amidst all this, what I tend to remember are these moments I've shared and created with friends.
So, for my birthday today, I decided to look back and try to articulate all of these feelings. I hope I was able to.
Give it a watch !
There exists a certain hollowness that I’ve been carrying for the last few years. I don’t think about it 99% of the time. But I know this hole resides within me.
It doesn’t impair any of my living experiences. It isn’t a source of anxiety or stress or any kind of negative emotion. There’s nothing positive about it either.
The hole merely exists. It has become a fact of life, after living through the pandemic. Something changed.
How do I know about this, if it is so inconsequential to my life?
Well, this hollow part of my being comes to my attention as I spend elongated periods of time with my friends and loved ones. I am acutely aware of it after a long conversation. Usually, it becomes evident and comes to the spotlight while I’m on a trip with friends.
I’m hanging out with them. The room is filled with laughter and conversations and stories. It is safe. I’m asleep comfortably.
We’re all together in a shared space, part of a shared moment, creating a shared memory.
The hole is being filled up.
And that’s how I know it exists.
This rather simple act of being with friends enriches my life for a brief moment.
The hole is being filled with some magical power. The weight of each moment is being absorbed.
Then the hangout ends. The trip is over. We say our goodbyes.
I come back. Open my laptop. Start work, and I can feel the hole becoming empty again.
It's hard to articulate this experience. One word which has come close to it is “etherness” from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.
It is this wistful feeling you have when you see the gathering of your loved ones in a single place, knowing that in the future this may never happen again. The passage of time will take these people on different paths. They will slowly drift away.
And the only thing that you can do is imagine and go back to these memories and wonder what it felt like to have everyone in the same place.
I feel this hole is a kind of grief. An anticipation of loss that I keep carrying with me. It makes me feel grateful for every moment I'm with my friends but it also seems heart wrenching because the number of times I will be a part of these moments keeps reducing.
Like I said, this hollow space resides within me. I don't think about it. It doesn't affect my life in any significant way.
But as I head home, and tell my friends goodbye.
My eyes well up. I start thinking about the future me who is going to look back. I'm already in mourning. I have lost another fleeting moment.
And yet, I feel blessed. To know that there are people in my life that make me experience the fullness of my humanity.
To know that when I'm part of fleeting moments with them, they become permanent memories. Forever etched in how I live.
Let me know what you thought ! And, if you liked it, do send it to your friends too.
Take Care,
Nirmal Bhansali