Hi,
I've been wondering if I am the sort of person who has dreams anymore. I have stopped imagining who I want to be on the future. And ever since I watched The Holdovers, I have thought about having full dreams.
After months of thinking about this, and not writing, I finally managed to put some thoughts together. Going to pat myself on the back for publishing this, despite the inertia and constant need to “improve”.
This is a video about the future, dreams and the inescapable realities of living.
I seem to have stopped dreaming.
I am not talking about the neurological waves that you experience when you sleep.
I mean the dreams that you have as you grow older. Dreams about your future. A vision of your life. An imagination and story you tell yourself about the years ahead. A reality that you want to make true.
Lately, I don't seem to have these kinds of dreams anymore. They've fizzled away. My dreams are filled with compromises. The dreams are languishing. No longer alive.
This scene has been playing in my mind every single day.
I don't think I have had a whole dream in a while.
Those vivid dreams I had when I was young, about all the fun adventures I would participate in with a group of friends, as an adult no longer exist.
I would often visualize:
A life where I’m always together with friends and loved ones.
A life where I have a job that nourishes my soul.
A life where I am attentive, and deeply passionate about the world.
A life which does not bog down the magic I experienced as a kid.
These days, I am not dreaming about this life.
My dreams are amputated versions of this imagination. Dreams that accept reality, tradeoffs and circumstances.
I am not sure if I can be together with my friends and closed ones the same way I imagined. Some of those relationships will fade away. I may not be able to do anything about it.
A job now is more about paying the bills and taking care of responsibilities. I seem to have stopped looking for fulfillment.
I keep my head down. I am not looking around the world. I am just getting through each day. There is no zeal in my living.
The shape of my dreams are beaten down by “logic” and “rationality”.
My dreams are “realistic”.
There is no magical element to my future. I am living a life filled with compromises that I accept.
This kind of thinking is a trap for my mind. I know it. And yet it permeates how I live these days.
Some moments remind me of the progress I have made. Choices like moving out with my friends. Shifting jobs consistently to try and find something that nourishes my soul. Putting in the work to keep in touch with my friends. Creating my own space. I am trying to fill my life with play.
These are decisions I have made. A story that I am currently living. Towards a dream I saw.
And yet, I can’t see them now.
I feel like my dreams are broken. Collecting dust in a graveyard. Deteriorating into oblivion.
But that’s just not true is it?
The dreams are alive.
They are taking shape.
Magical moments are waiting for me in the future.
I need to look deeper.
That’s it for now.
Would love to know what you thought about this !
Take care,
Nirmal Bhansali
Beau.ti.fulllll!